Friday was . . . insane. I don't know . . . I guess I'm just getting closer and closer to that point where Satan is going all, "Haha, betcha can't keep to your commitment since you've only got six months left." And of course I'm being bull-headed and not asking for God's help, because I want to do it all on my own. Of course if this were all on my own I'd have thrown myself at just about every guy I've ever had a crush on, thus why God is amazing!
It didn't help that Friday I was talking to one guy I have a crush on and then HE shows up. Yeah, haven't seen him in about a year . . . *poof* he just comes out of nowhere. And then I felt that yearning, that yearning that says, "Adrienne, you want a guy so badly. Adrienne you want a strong young man to hold you in his arms. And you're keeping yourself away from that." It's sad when I start to feel like I am taking myself away from something that I deserve, when in all reality I probably deserve to have my heart torn out, ripped in two, and stepped on . . . but thank God for forgiveness. But this is really bugging me.
And then of course I had a dream. This one is a new dream. It was so vivid it was haunting. The dream in itself wasn't scary, it was just how real it felt. It was a dream about my wedding. I won't bore you with the whole thing, but I'll tell you how vivid it actually was, I remember the feel of the coarse hair on my papaw's arm, and how wet the rain felt, and how stressed and freaked out I was. I woke up stressed and freaked out for no other reason then that.
The dream has made me realize two things (possibly more, but just two for now): One- I know that I am supposed to get married. To whom is yet to be shown to me. I just know that whoever he is he is going to be a man after God and he is going to LOVE me. I felt it so strongly in my dream. I won't settle for anything less than that feeling. Two- I am afraid of commitment, especially ones as eternally binding as marriage. It scares me to death, but I want it so badly. I freak out when the words, "I love you." come out of a boyfriends mouth. Chances are that's why my relationship with Noah went south, I mean there were other reasons, but that was my part of the downfall. So obviously, whoever marries me is going to have to expect me to flip out. Which is why I'm going to have to have someone watching me the whole time before the ceremony is complete.
Am I pathetic or what? Oh well . . . at least I finally blogged about something remotely important
P.S. - I wrote this a several days ago on a Myspace blog, and now I'm posting it here. I know . . . I'm being all girly again, but I couldn't help it.